Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
You Might Also Like
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Make new friends? bro out of what?
I have never related to a cat more
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Still my favorite headline of all time:
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”