roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
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so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
#MeanwhileInCanada
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
This hospital has everything
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
How do you milk an almond?
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.