That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
You Might Also Like
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
The asteroid..
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”