PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
You Might Also Like
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
did it work
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
Botany good plants lately?
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?