Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
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Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
bears
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Had an epiphany today.
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”