My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
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Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
me irl
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
#Thanos #MondayMood
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.