I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
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Aaaa…CHOO!
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die