*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
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Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Krampus.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex