date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
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he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
wtf is an acronym
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.