falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
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Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…