You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
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Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE