3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
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The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Feels like there should be a middle ground
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.