I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
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My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
Netflix and scream at our children?!
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
pelicons
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great