Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
You Might Also Like
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”