I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
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everyone has that one prude friend
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Cha-ching is my safe word
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?