cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
You Might Also Like
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight