Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
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Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
What flavor cupcake are these
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Who says great literature is dead?
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary