these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
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Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.