Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
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Donkey I Shreked the Kids
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
San Francisco has too many rules
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
notice
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?