INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
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My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Before crowbars crows drank alone
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.