Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
You Might Also Like
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Pat is about to own someone
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them