Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
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[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.