I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
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I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
How to find Kentucky on a map
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem