This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
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The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
*praying for world peace*
God:
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
set yourself free xox
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
I’m not proud
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING