When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
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Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
At least my masseuse has my back.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
o shit