If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
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Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Baller is short for ballerina
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*