Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
You Might Also Like
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one