The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
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Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
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/Expectation:
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( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
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( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
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(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me: