Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
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[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.