me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
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6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread