america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
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being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Every time my phone rings
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.