Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
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Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Finally, an explanation.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.
classic mixup
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words