Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
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My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
Bless you
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
I beg your pardon?
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
cat vs inanimate object
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock