One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
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REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick