I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
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I miss this era type of pranks😭
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.