Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
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man: wait
time: no
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
My neck, my back, my…
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle