I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
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The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?