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barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Selfie
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.