You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
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Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
notice
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist