She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
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Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Is fructose made with real fruct?