Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
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What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
doing some research
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married