Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
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what is cheese if not milk persevering
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me