we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
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[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
August 8
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.