Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
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My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That鈥檚 when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That鈥檚 impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
[diner]
Waitress: What鈥檒l it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 馃槶馃槶 am I doing this wrong
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 馃槒
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.