Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
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If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.