grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
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Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie