[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
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Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak