“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
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WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
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I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.