Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
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My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
me, after any kind of buffet.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.