me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
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LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?